Alll about Eshelle...

I am so sad that Eshelle can't speak in proper sentences and can't read most of the common words. i decided to ask celine's permission to bring eshelle to "I can read!". Eshelle surely need some help...

Anyway me and hubby were just talking about eshelle just now.. now we were thinking of bringing eshelle over to over place to stay... Study at the PAP at the block next to ours and enter "I can read!" i can be a nanny for this whole year... since i am so free.. isn't it? Just pay me the amount to feed her ... Hubby says since it is so crowded at their place now... And auntie also has another baby to take care... Haha.. i also hope i can treat eshelle as my daughter since i don't intend to get pregnant till i move to Punggol. Hmm... i am sure Eshelle's grandparents don't approve this idea... Just a thought... Why not? Isn't it better for me to teach her instead... Haha... i am sure i can't change her habit... ----Watching cartoons the whole day!!!---- & ---- Lazy to write and read ---

Eshelle's anut...

Happy Chinese New Year

What a chinese new year! This year, i have to distribute red packets... Haha... First year! On the first day of CNY, we went to grams house first... stay till about 2 plus then went to pauline's house... There were so many people... Didn't really stay long. After that, went to hubby's grandma house.. Ate buffet and play "in between"... was fun, had lots of laughter... Watch movie at great world... "Valentines"... BaD movie... boring...

2nd day of CNY, went to San Gu's house.... Played mahjong and lost $170... then after that went to play black jack and won $190... Yeh... Won back what i lost...

3rd day of CNY, went to pauline's house again... played black jack and won $30... i carried joelle and guess what... i couldn't control myself and started weeping! :( i thought of Natelie!

4th day of CNY, went to Wu Gu house... Played mahjong again and this time i won $100.. but need to divide by 2, so i won $50.. hehe...

mahjong girl...

Hong KOng... Finally... A long-awaited trip!

I am so excited towards the trip to Hong KOng... i will be in Hongkong from 21st Mar to 24th Mar... I am sitting Cathay Pacific Airlines.. First time on a big plane... Hmm.. The last time i went was on Jetstar, so small... Hubby says this will be our mini honeymoon... More to come.. Anyway, its my hubby's dream to travel around the world! And of course he is bringing me.. We have booked our package with SA... Cost = $888... including a night stay at Disney Hollywood Hotel and a two-day pass to Disneyland.. Hubby wants to sight-see, but i wanna do shopping... How? We have only 1 and a half day to do so... Hmm... How? I am planning the trip now.. Hope hubby could apply for leave... If not... i go myself...

I cried again last night... What's the saddest thing in your life? My Natelie.. Yesterday, i saw the scans that i have taken of Natelie since October 2009, time flies... Natelie grew from 1cm to 500grams... I felt so depressed yesterday.. cried again.. I miss you, Natelie, really!!

Mummy

Yes!!! The happiest thing that could happen to me for this year...

I am so happy ... I can say today is the happiest day for this year... We finally pay the deposit for our trip to Hong Kong... Hubby say this is consider our honeymoon part 1! We taking cathay to Hong Kong... First time taking cathay... Yes!!! Going to Disneyland too... I want to see piglet... Hubby hope that after this trip, i will feel better. I also hope so... I am like a happy little girl jumping around after paying the deposit just now.

Happy little girl...

First Day out since 15 Jan 2010....

Yes!! I finally went out today, courtesy of my Mother... Went out to purchase New Year Clothes... However, in the end, my hubby bought more things than me... Actually i am a bit tired.. think its bcoz i have not been walking around for a long time... i really miss shopping.. Went to chinatown today and asked around for the cost of the hong kong trip we wanna plan... hmm... I am so looking forward to going to Hong kong... Hope hubby don't last minute say don wanna go... sicne we haven book from any agency yet... hmm... pray....

Hoping to go overseas wifey...

Tell me its a dreamt....

I felt empty again.... i should not.... I have the cross-stitch from my frens and vcds to watch! I don wanna feel empty
Just a minute ago, my father came in and asked me to sweep my room... they wanna mop the floor. I want my baby back, can i? i felt very lonely...

Finally, tmr Mother allows hubby to bring me out for a while to shop for New Year clothes... i can at last walk outside le... How long have i not walk on the streets, in the shopping centre.... I miss the feeling.. Will i feel even worse when i see babies while walking outside... i really don't know... Just saw on facebook about a fren posting her baby's scan... Baby also gonna be a little tiger... just like my Natelie... I am really afraid... really...

Scared Mummy

9th Day of Confinement

Had to thank Zhengjia and Gladys for making my night not that boring last night. Thanks for visiting and the ginger wine and chicken essence! Appreciate that!!! I cant go out and shop for anything... i have not been using money since 15th January... I want to go shopping!!!!!!!

Nie frens coming over on friday. hmm... hwei tsen asked if i am ready to meet them. What a cute question. Think they are afraid of me crying and getting emotional and not wanting to meet anyone ba. i really miss the days eating and chit-chatting with them. When can i do that again! I am really bored ... Looking forward to see them!!!

Confinement is not fun! Cannot have air-conditional... Eat all those food with sesame oil and ginger!! BUt lucky i can bath at least once every two days.. I will be cooking claypot rice for hubby and me later...

Bored girl

Still felt weird...

Its really quite difficult to adapt to a new environment. After getting married, i have to live together with my in-laws... previously, i stayed together with my grandparents... i have a room to myself and i can talk and laugh as much as i want...

Now, its nice to have a room that is really mine with my hubby lying next to me... someone to hug when i felt lonely. Even since i moved here, i often have this strange kind of feeling... i felt extremely 'empty' and will start to shiver... the feeling that makes you want to cry... that's even before Natelie left me...

My mother-in-law(Mother) is nice to be with, but she is also rather quiet... as for my father-in-law(Father)... he looks stern.... i tried to make some conversation... but sometimes it feels weird when i talk and he doesn't reply... i really hope to adapt myself into the family... i always wanted a happy family... Am i getting one?

My hubby's brother is also very nice. He cares and shows concern by calling my hubby and asking how i am feeling often.

Mother now always prepares soup for me before she goes to work and i will do the cooking for my lunch and dinner.. It really feels weird to be eating alone on the dining table with 3 dishes and a soup all to yourself. It really feels lonely... Confinement... Confinement can be very boring when you have to be at home for a month and eating all the same kind of food over and over again... but what's different for me, is that i do not have a baby to look after during confinement... I miss Natelie! I want to carry her in my arms, please tell me its all a dream!!!

Confinement mummy without a baby

The worst period of my life!!

15th January to 27th January had been the worst period in my life!! What can be worst? Haven i had enough of sad and weeping days... I wanted a family of my own and lead a simple and happy life, is that really difficult! Getting married wasn't easy for me, i had to go through so much in order for the wedding to be held successfully. The tears if collected could as least filled half of a baby pool!!! I thought everything is over and i could live happily with my husband, in-laws and my dear Natelie... but things just don't go well for me...

On 15th January, i went for a detail scan of Natelie. Checked the heart, eyes, lungs, kidney, brain. nose, fingers and toes, etc.... Everything was fine!!! Great! Lastly, doctor had to check my cervix ... through the scan, he saw that my cervix was very short... so he was surprised! he asked me to empty my bladder and he checked through my vagina, he immediately called my gene and inform him that he saw the waterbag membrane through my vagina and my cervix was opened at 7cm.

I was confused at a moment, didn't know what he meant... he explained to me and i then realised it was serious... i really didn't know what to do! Hwei Tsen was with me... i started weeping... She helped me to call my hubby as the doctor wanted me to be admitted immediately if not i would have a 90% chance of miscarriage. Again... admitted!!!

I was brought to the same room as the last time when i had a threatened miscarriage... my sister came immediately. doctor came and explained that i have to undergo a surgery to tighten my cervix so to safeguard my natelie. Therefore on 16th December, i undergo the 1st surgery of my life. I thought i could save my baby after doing that. Doctor said that there will still be chances of a miscarriage! i has to lay on bed and have prolong bedrest. Therefore i applied for absence of leave from MOE/NIE. I laid on the bed to prevent things from happening... During this period on bed, i had discharge that i have not been having before the surgery! I was also having infection and if it continue to raise, i will be in danger! I was also told that my waterbag is leaking!!! Then on 22nd January, i went for an utrascan and realised that my accumulated water in my waterbag is about 7cm which is lesser than normal! Doctor told us to be mentally prepared that we have to make a decision on Wednesday! I was mentally tired.. really tired for staying in the hospital for 2 weeks lying on the bed... On Monday, we went for the scan again hoping for some hope that the waterbag has more water than previously... now, the scan show that it was only 2cm left with water... and the consultant told us that there will be 80 to 90% chance that baby will have lung infection due to lack of water and may hv to rely on equipment to breathe when borne... He said that i will be infected and life will be in danger if it happens! He advised us to abort the baby.

Abort the baby!!! WHY ME!!!! why does it happen to me! On 25th January, both me and hubby decided to let go. I wept for the whole night. On 26th January, i went to my doctor's clinic to remove the stitch and the doctor inserted a tablet for contractions to take place. I was wheeled back to my ward. On my bed, i had to wait for that moment to happen! i had 3 hours of contractions and around 3 plus, i felt something!!! I had to deliver my baby... it was painful... not physically but mentally... the feeling of delivery is supposed to be happy but mine... it was mentally killing me... i was afraid and did not dare to see... baby was out after a few minutes... I felt her moving for a while between my legs... I cried and was shouting that i was 'scared!!" my hubby hold on to my hands and covered my eyes... he saw our baby... he said he wanted to see... he said her nose were liked mine and legs were long.... he saw her small little fingers and toes... i didn't dare to see...

My placenta was not out... they took baby away from us and i was again wheeled to the OT for a clean up! Hubby went to touch baby's face and apologised to her... I was back to my ward and had a low BP and needed blood immediately. I was semi-conconcious for about an hour. After so, everything was over!!! All gone.... my natelie had left us!!! My days were different no longer the same anymore...

A mother's pain

Is that my daddy?

I really very disappointed with my daddy. Since 15th December, the day i was admitted to the hospital, he has not visited me at all till the day after i lost my baby, then he decided to call me. What's the use of calling? His daughter is in the hospital for 2 weeks and he nv give a call or visit her at all in the hospital and the reason he gave is "he is busy!! and he didn't realise it would be so serious!!" I am her daughter and you cant find an hour or so to visit me despite serious or not!! I was really very disappointed. He said he wanted to visit me on his off day last week! My aunts and cousin came, but waited for him...... he nv show up! I called him and he said he is not coming and that he had just quarrelled him his wife! That's the reason? I was even disapoointed so does my husband! He then asked my hubby to go to his store and get some money for me to buy "pu"! My hubby is only free in the morning so i asked him to go over in the morning around 12 plus. Guess what, i received a sms from my daddy asking him to go only after 4 plus... reason... he don't have to say and i can guess it! The 'woman' is there in the morning helping my dad with his business!! He don't want her to know that he is giving me money!! Hey!!! What's wrong with that! Anyway, i told my hubby not to go over and take le... Firstly, i am not desperate for his money to buy "pu" and my hubby needs to work too...

Disappointed daughter

A song wrote just for you!

Natelie, you have left us for a week since then... i have compose a song just for you, my dear. I really miss you so much. i miss having your kicks... You have no idea how much i miss you...

Song
Natelie, mummy miss you...
You must always remember, mummy love you...
I have no choice but to let you go
My dear, natelie baby...

Mummy