The worst period of my life!!

15th January to 27th January had been the worst period in my life!! What can be worst? Haven i had enough of sad and weeping days... I wanted a family of my own and lead a simple and happy life, is that really difficult! Getting married wasn't easy for me, i had to go through so much in order for the wedding to be held successfully. The tears if collected could as least filled half of a baby pool!!! I thought everything is over and i could live happily with my husband, in-laws and my dear Natelie... but things just don't go well for me...

On 15th January, i went for a detail scan of Natelie. Checked the heart, eyes, lungs, kidney, brain. nose, fingers and toes, etc.... Everything was fine!!! Great! Lastly, doctor had to check my cervix ... through the scan, he saw that my cervix was very short... so he was surprised! he asked me to empty my bladder and he checked through my vagina, he immediately called my gene and inform him that he saw the waterbag membrane through my vagina and my cervix was opened at 7cm.

I was confused at a moment, didn't know what he meant... he explained to me and i then realised it was serious... i really didn't know what to do! Hwei Tsen was with me... i started weeping... She helped me to call my hubby as the doctor wanted me to be admitted immediately if not i would have a 90% chance of miscarriage. Again... admitted!!!

I was brought to the same room as the last time when i had a threatened miscarriage... my sister came immediately. doctor came and explained that i have to undergo a surgery to tighten my cervix so to safeguard my natelie. Therefore on 16th December, i undergo the 1st surgery of my life. I thought i could save my baby after doing that. Doctor said that there will still be chances of a miscarriage! i has to lay on bed and have prolong bedrest. Therefore i applied for absence of leave from MOE/NIE. I laid on the bed to prevent things from happening... During this period on bed, i had discharge that i have not been having before the surgery! I was also having infection and if it continue to raise, i will be in danger! I was also told that my waterbag is leaking!!! Then on 22nd January, i went for an utrascan and realised that my accumulated water in my waterbag is about 7cm which is lesser than normal! Doctor told us to be mentally prepared that we have to make a decision on Wednesday! I was mentally tired.. really tired for staying in the hospital for 2 weeks lying on the bed... On Monday, we went for the scan again hoping for some hope that the waterbag has more water than previously... now, the scan show that it was only 2cm left with water... and the consultant told us that there will be 80 to 90% chance that baby will have lung infection due to lack of water and may hv to rely on equipment to breathe when borne... He said that i will be infected and life will be in danger if it happens! He advised us to abort the baby.

Abort the baby!!! WHY ME!!!! why does it happen to me! On 25th January, both me and hubby decided to let go. I wept for the whole night. On 26th January, i went to my doctor's clinic to remove the stitch and the doctor inserted a tablet for contractions to take place. I was wheeled back to my ward. On my bed, i had to wait for that moment to happen! i had 3 hours of contractions and around 3 plus, i felt something!!! I had to deliver my baby... it was painful... not physically but mentally... the feeling of delivery is supposed to be happy but mine... it was mentally killing me... i was afraid and did not dare to see... baby was out after a few minutes... I felt her moving for a while between my legs... I cried and was shouting that i was 'scared!!" my hubby hold on to my hands and covered my eyes... he saw our baby... he said he wanted to see... he said her nose were liked mine and legs were long.... he saw her small little fingers and toes... i didn't dare to see...

My placenta was not out... they took baby away from us and i was again wheeled to the OT for a clean up! Hubby went to touch baby's face and apologised to her... I was back to my ward and had a low BP and needed blood immediately. I was semi-conconcious for about an hour. After so, everything was over!!! All gone.... my natelie had left us!!! My days were different no longer the same anymore...

A mother's pain